Ministry of Finance’s unpaid interns struggling to stimulate economy
OTTAWA – Unpaid interns at the Ministry of Finance say they are “at their wits’ end” on how to kickstart Canada’s stagnant economy. “We’ve tried everything,” said 26-year-old intern Derek M…
Report: Donald Trump does thing where he says N-word with his eyes again
NEW YORK CITY – Shortly after a weekend speech dedicated to courting the African American vote, eyewitnesses have stated that Donald Trump has once again done that thing where he uses his e…
UPDATE: Nation currently demanding 56th encore from Tragically Hip
KINGSTON, ON – Unable to accept that The Tragically Hip will never again play another song, the entire nation of Canada is requesting that the Canadian rock legends come back out on stage t…
Government mandates foyer in every building after pressure from lobbyists
OTTAWA – Yielding to demands of lobby groups, the Trudeau government has passed legislation that requires all constructed dwellings in Canada to have a clearly defined waiting area. “It’s 2016,” …
Neighbourhood one cupcake shop short of gentrification
TORONTO – Residents in a western Toronto neighbourhood had mixed reaction this week as the opening of a barre studio put the neighbourhood just one cupcake shop short of gentrification. “I …
Local man manages to turn belch into words ‘I love you’
WINDSOR, ON – Shortly after the Chinese take-out dinner he ordered in celebration of his wife’s birthday, local man Bryce Mulwich has managed to turn an enormous burp into the words ‘I love…
Ryan Lochte wins gold in 400m ‘Making Up A Robbery’
RIO – American swimmer Ryan Lochte has won his second gold medal of the Rio Olympics, this time in the Men’s 400m Making Up A Robbery That Never Actually Happened. “This is unreal, kind of …
Scientists don’t even bother to measure before declaring 2016 hottest summer ever
Asheville, N.C. – Saying it was too hot to do any work climate change researchers at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have declared that they assume the summer of …
Idiot dock-side vendor selling priceless seashell art for only $16.99
TAMPA, FL – Canadian tourists returning from summer vacation report that one rube souvenir vendor in Tampa is selling priceless art for $20 or less. “The guy told us himself that this…
Derek Drouin wins high jump gold while trying to escape horde of Rio rats
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a jump of 2.38m, 26 year-old Derek Drouin earned a gold medal in the high jump while trying to escape from a large group of rats that had found their way into the Rio …
