Ontario Science Centre closes after roof in danger of collapsing under weight of Doug Ford’s bullshit

TORONTO – After standing for 54 years as a testament to midcentury architecture and a source of memories for generations of young people, the Ontario Science Centre was announced to be clos…

After weeks without water, Calgarians now smell like Edmontonians

CALGARY – After two weeks of restricted access to water for showers, laundry, and other acts of hygiene, sources have reported that Calgarians now smell like Edmontonians do all year long. “Jesus…

Wealthy Canadians announce BMW X3 convoy to protest capital gains tax hike

OTTAWA – Wealthy Canadians have begun a ‘Freegains convoy’ to Ottawa in their BMW X3s in protest of the government’s plan to raise the inclusion rate on annual capital gai…

Wild Gen Z prom party wraps up at 9:15 pm

Bridgewater, NS – Through the haze of foggy memories and poor decisions, local high schoolers stumbled home after another post-prom rager, with only the faintest bit of leftover twilight to guide…

WestJet introduces $25 fee every time Canadians say “WestJet” out loud

CALGARY – With WestJet now charging a $25 fee to book flights over the phone, the airline has also announced they will now charge a similar $25 fee every single time a person in Canada utte…

10 perfectly innocent explanations for why Pierre Poilievre won’t get national security clearance

Pierre Poilievre’s refusal to get a national security clearance so he can read the report on foreign interference in Canada’s elections is raising eyebrows, with many suggesting that …

Man shocked to discover product in parents’ home not manufactured by Kirkland

HALIFAX – While visiting his retired parents, William MacInnis was flabbergasted to discover a single jar of pickles which, unlike every single other product in the house, did not bear the …

Drunk Edmontonian screaming at television pleasantly surprised to learn Oilers game is on 

EDMONTON – Edmontonian Jason Porter, who’s spent another evening shouting outraged profanities at his TV amid a growing pile of Alberta Genuine Draft empties, was excited to discover an Oil…

House of Commons takes action to ensure foreign state interference stops getting in way of domestic corporate interference

OTTAWA – The House of Commons has voted unanimously for a bill that will crack down on the ability of foreign states to influence federal politicians who rightfully owe their allegiance to …

Oilers fans not sure what’s worse: losing Cup or realizing Leafs fans were right about how good Atlantic Division is

EDMONTON – Down 3-0 to the Florida Panthers, Edmonton Oilers fans report they don’t know what is making them feel worse: the possibility of being swept out of the Stanley Cup Finals, …