Millennials increasingly depressed they’ll never be able to tell children to get off their lawn
TORONTO – A recent housing survey suggests that the uptick in melancholy exhibited by the millennial generation is the result of realizing that they will never be able to yell at children o…
Sleepiness credit non-transferable between couch and bed
BRANDON, MB — A local woman has discovered that her accrued credit in sleepiness does not transfer from her couch to her bed. Cory Lachlan, 26, made the disturbing discovery when she finally deci…
Hulk Hogan declared dead after paramedic’s elbow drop fails to restart heart
CLEARWATER, FL – Hulk Hogan, who helped lead professional wrestling’s rise in popularity in the 1980s and beyond, was pronounced dead on Thursday after first responders were unable to…
Carney guarantees that his policies will transform Canada into four corporations in a trench coat
“It’ll be an economic miracle!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and Craig Fay) talk the government’s attempt to consult with Indigenous Peoples about Bill C-5 after the …
Alberta separatist arguing in the comment section definitely real and not CIA
CALGARY, AB — During a wholly organic social media exchange, users grew increasingly frustrated at the strident Alberta separatists from an account named @TruePatriot382 who, sources say, i…
Self-described “grill master” skills limited to hot dogs and frozen burgers
Rogersville, NB – After spending over $6,000 on a propane grill and accessories, Robert Arsenault has to date grilled only hot dogs and hamburgers. Arsenault, 39, recently renovated the pat…
Top 10 ideas Danielle Smith has to promote “Alberta’s sovereignty within Canada”
Danielle Smith is in the process of touring her ‘Alberta Next’ panels, investigating ways in which Alberta could finally get a fair deal from Confederation. Smith believes it importan…
Cottage Country summit stalls as premiers clash over who is next in line to ride inner tube
MUSKOKA, ON – Talks at the First Ministers meeting, held this year in Ontario cottage country, have broken down as the assembled premiers immediately disagreed over who was next in line to …
Baby bunny frolicking in park clearly doesn’t have what it takes to make it through winter
CALGARY – As Calgarians enjoy another perfect summer day, visitors to a local park have noticed that one of the resident baby bunnies lacks the survival instincts necessary to make it through the…
Canada: “We are prepared to issue as many empty statements as necessary to stop this genocide”
OTTAWA – Two months after issuing one statement promising “concrete actions” if Israel did not stop intentionally starving Palestinians in Gaza, Canada has joined with 24 other nations to i…
