TORONTO — Following the Raptor’s first ever NBA championship victory, and his win as series MVP, Kawhi Leonard reportedly let his emotions run wild by turning slightly to his left, and star…
Sports
Update: Fuck hockey
TORONTO – Earlier reports indicate that the nation has collectively said ‘fuck it’ to hockey since basketball is now the official sport of Canada. Despite hundreds of billions of hours the …
NBA streams subreddit becomes Canada’s #1 TV provider
TORONTO – Following the Raptors’ incredible postseason run, Canadian TV ratings agencies and sources inside web content aggregator Reddit confirmed today that the subreddit r/nbastreams has…
Man who waited in line for three days to get into Jurassic Park horrified to discover he can just watch game at home
TORONTO – Local man Jerome Dobbins, who has been waiting in line to get into Toronto’s famed Raptors viewing party square since Saturday at 9am, was shocked and quite frankly furious to dis…
No one on Raptors has the heart to tell Drake he’s not on the team
TORONTO – Despite years of knowing he was never an official member of the Toronto Raptors, players haven’t found the courage to tell Drake that he’s not on the team. “It was adorable when h…
“We’re ready for game 5,” says Raptors head coach Drake
MILWAUKEE, WI – Toronto Raptors head coach Drake says his team is 100% ready for a critical game 5 against the Milwaukee Bucks. The coach known for his animated court-side calls and antics …
Children’s wish organizations overwhelmed with requests to meet, murder Brad Marchand
BOSTON – Children’s wish charities throughout Canada and the United States have been overwhelmed by requests from kids to meet Boston Bruins player Brad Marchand or have him murdered. With …
Rest of Canada relieved they no longer have to cheer for Boston
MONTREAL – With the Boston’s 5-1 victory in game seven of the first round of the NHL playoffs, millions of Canadians expressed relief that they no longer have to passively watch and vindict…
Eugene Melnyk spends entire press conference referring to team as “Houston Senators”
KANATA, ON – After a little more than a week after wrapping their 31st-place season, Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk held what was otherwise a routine press conference today about the t…
‘Maybe this is the year the Leafs beat Boston,’ says delusional idiot who doesn’t know shit
TORONTO – Local man Dennis Hendricks believes this could be the year the Leafs finally end their playoff losing streak against the Boston Bruins, mostly because he’s a dumb fuck who says du…
