TORONTO – In a heartwarming Valentine’s Day development, chatbots Caleb and Brianna, initially programmed to fool and then defraud human users on the popular dating app Tinder, have allegedly swi…
Science and Technology
Sidewalks furious over new walksharing app
TORONTO, ON – Following the release of Strollr, the new walksharing app by the creators of Uber, sidewalks across the city have expressed discontent, claiming that the app undermines their …
Scientists reveal they accidentally forgot to adjust Doomsday Clock for daylight savings time
PALO ALTO – In a stunning display of scientific ineptitude, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists held a press conference to announce that they mistakenly forgot to accommodate daylight savings t…
NASA discovers 9th planet in continued attempt to win back Jessica
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After recent advances in radiotelemetry failed to bring that smile back to her face when she saw them, NASA scientists have discovered a new planet, in hopes that the ‘gr…
Marc Garneau challenges Chris Hadfield to race to the Moon
TORONTO – In an announcement which has stunned the scientific community, Minister of Transport and retired astronaut Marc Garneau has challenged former commander of the International Space Statio…
Quantum computer able to access pornography from different universes
WATERLOO, ON – Researchers at the University of Waterloo have created a quantum computer that is able to access the internet and download pornography from parallel universes. Basic quantum …
PEI UFO actually just potato that got thrown pretty good
KENSINGTON, PEI – A recent investigation into a well-publicised UFO sighting off the coast of Prince Edward Island has confirmed it was just a potato that someone chucked a pretty good dist…
Twitter changes format to six pages double-spaced with MLA citations
SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter announced today that it will be replacing the 140 character limit on tweets with a six page, double spaced format in 12 point Times New Roman font and using MLA styl…
Platonic friends have same number of faces, vertices, are fucking
MONTREAL – Insisting that they’re ‘just friends’, a pair of local octahedrons share the same number of edges and interior angle degrees, and are secretly having just the nastiest sex with e…
Tesla updates cars with auto-road-rage feature
PAULO ALTO – On the heels of its revolutionary release of autopilot software for its Model S car, electric vehicle maker Tesla Motors has complemented the innovation with an auto-road-rage mode t…
