TORONTO – A study by Professor Simone Caffrey at Ryerson University has shown that as a result of massive layoffs in Canada’s news organizations, all remaining Canadian journalists, when stacked properly, fit inside a mid-range sedan.
“Normally, an experiment of this nature would never ever get past the ethics board,” said Ivor Shapiro, chair of Ryerson’s Faculty of Journalism. “But all the subjects were eager to waive their rights and take the money. They insisted. When a legend like Robert Fife is grovelling at your knees saying ‘I’ll do anything just give me the 50 bucks’, well, you don’t say no.”
Professor Caffrey said the study was a success, with many of the findings surpassing her expectations.
“We really thought it was a long shot that we could squeeze the entire At Issue panel in the front seat,” said Caffrey as graduate students used a crane to pull a contorted Margaret Wente through the sunroof. “But we ended up having to dislocate only five of Rex Murphy’s joints to make him fit inside the glove compartment.”
Journalists participating in the study felt proud to be taking part in the research.
“This just goes to show the extent of what these drastic cuts are doing to our industry,” said Robyn Doolittle as she struggled to maintain consciousness under the weight of a weeping Andrew Coyne. “Five years ago we could have afforded to do this in a Lexus.”
Caffrey dismissed the shrieks emanating from the car’s surprisingly spacious leather interior, saying it was common for Canadian journalists to scream when separated for more than a few minutes from Twitter.
Caffrey says her findings are already spurring further research, and that her next project will study the Canadian film industry, hypothesizing that everyone who has watched a Canadian film in a theatre can fit inside a hockey bag.