LONDON – The outgoing Governor General of Canada, David Johnston, suffered an unfortunate disembodiment of his mortal soul earlier today following physical contact with Queen Elizabeth II at Cana…
National
Stats Canada raids millions of homes after learning nation’s families hiding .5 children
OTTAWA – After census data revealed the average Canadian household contains 1.5 children, Stats Canada raided 3 million homes, rescuing some 1.5 million mutated blobs of half-formed human f…
Justin Trudeau suffers third degree burns from failed attempt to jump over campfire
OTTAWA, ON – Canadians coast to coast had their collective gnar severely harshed today, upon learning that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau suffered third degree burns after a failed attempt t…
Woman only had to go to space twice for man not to question her qualifications
OTTAWA – The soon-to-be Governor General only had to visit space twice to persuade local man Walter Alfons that she was selected for the honour based on merit. Alfons, who has questioned ne…
Julie Payette happy to start her seventh most exciting career
OTTAWA – Former Canadian astronaut Julie Payette has been selected to become the country’s next Governor General, making this her seventh most exciting career. The woman who has been on two…
Interest rate hike leaves millions of millennials exactly the same
OTTAWA – People under the age of 35 are reeling after a 0.25% hike to the Bank of Canada’s key interest rate left their lives in no way different from before the rate hike. “This rate hike …
Guantanamo Bay touts success story of child soldier turned multi-millionaire
GUANTANAMO BAY – The US Defense Department is praising its own prison system after a former child soldier imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay became a multi-millionaire yesterday when the Supreme …
Albertans erect ‘forgotten province’ memorial in wake of Trudeau’s Canada 150 address
EDMONTON – Ensuring that the province will never forget how they were forgotten in a celebratory sesquicentennial speech by the Prime Minister, Albertans have erected a large monument in Ed…
Snowbird pilot grounded after skywriting profanity
MOOSE JAW, SK – A pilot for Canada’s famed aerial demonstration team has been grounded for a week after skywriting a profanity that outraged some locals. The incident occurred during a rout…
Portraits of Canadiocity: Peter Mansbridge
Canada’s most famous Peter?…
