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Interest rate hike leaves millions of millennials exactly the same

OTTAWA – People under the age of 35 are reeling after a 0.25% hike to the ’s key interest rate left their lives in no way different from before the rate hike.

“This rate hike has left my life irreversibly similar,” says undergraduate student Chelsea Mains. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I still can’t afford a mortgage or a car, and still don’t ever expect to be able to do so. It is terrifyingly like the rest of my life to this point, and I’m scared.”

Experts say young people have not been hit with measures so inapplicable to their own lives since CBC unveiled its new fall programming the previous year.

“When you really go down the list of all the ways the hike has not changed anything for young people, it’s stunning,” said University of Toronto economist Alexa McCleod. “Looking at the quantum level, we can see that after the rate hike they are biologically, financially, and cognitively exactly the same. It’s perfect stasis. Barring a singularity that throws our reality into an alternate timeline where young Canadians make enough for interest rates to be relevant, this adjustment in monetary policy technically doesn’t exist.”

In addition to perfectly maintaining the excruciating financial difficulties of their stagnant lives, the rate hike has also left ’ capacity for nostalgia completely unaltered.

“I remember interest rates!” said temp worker David Sebastien as he sipped bourbon from the apartment he shares with five others at the age of 30. “I remember they were really popular years back during that one time I had money left over after paying rent and buying groceries. But then I lost it all in the big dentist appointment of 2014.”

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