OTTAWA, ON – Canadians coast to coast had their collective gnar severely harshed today, upon learning that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau suffered third degree burns after a failed attempt to jump over a campfire. However after a brief hospital stay, Mr. Trudeau’s condition has been upgraded from “life-threatening” to “dinged up pretty friggin’ bad.”
The incident occurred last night at approximately 11pm, in the woods near Ottawa, where Trudeau was camping with “the boys.” According to witnesses, Trudeau was playing acoustic guitar and leading a singalong of Sublime’s Santeria, when he became transfixed on the campfire. Without warning, the Prime Minister put down his guitar and said “Check this, I’m ‘bout to wreck this!”
Mr. Trudeau then ran toward the fire, but tripped when his flip flops broke. He then tumbled into the fire pit and flailed around, suffering severe burns. Trudeau was then airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he is resting comfortably.
“Our thoughts and prayers are with Justin Trudeau and his family.” said Minister of Finance Bill Morneau, who will be acting Prime Minister until Mr. Trudeau is released from hospital. “I’d like to reassure the Canadian people that the country is in safe hands. I have been preparing for this moment since Mr. Trudeau texted me on Thursday, saying ‘Sophie’s out of town this weekend. We shroomin or what, bud?’”
“It’s been reported that at the time of the incident, Mr. Trudeau was only six beers deep.” Mr. Mulcair told reporters. “Anyone who holds their liquor that poorly does not represent working class Canadian families.”
Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer also made sharply critical remarks. “The Canadian taxpayers are tired of footing the bill for the Prime Minister’s careless injuries.” Mr. Scheer said. “Last year alone he dislocated his shoulder going ‘shot for shot’ with a Russian diplomat, and broke his ribs trying to stage dive at Osheaga. This kind of reckless waste has to stop.”
However the PMO assured reporters that Trudeau would be on his feet in time for next month’s diplomatic trip to Amsterdam.