MONTREAL – VIA Rail will be extending all of its station platforms in order to accommodate any lovers who want a few more fleeting moments saying goodbye to their soulmates by chasing the t…
National
Lifelong New Democrat excited to vote NDP for first time
Peterborough, ON – Having been a die-hard NDP supporter since he was in undergrad, local man Jason Newman, 33, is looking forward to not strategically voting for the Liberals in order to be…
Canada responds to US tariffs by asking which Trump child they need to bribe
OTTAWA — Following Thursday’s Washington announcement of steel and aluminum tariffs against many of its closest allies, including Canada, Ottawa has asked which Trump kid they need to pay o…
Nation’s mothers just checking in to make sure you’ve brought a light jacket with you today
OTTAWA – As the weather fluctuates from warm to cold, the nation’s mothers are checking in with their adult children to make sure they’ve remembered to bring something along with them, “in …
Justin Trudeau joins long list of passionate environmentalists who own, operate oil pipelines
OTTAWA – With today’s announcement that his government would be purchasing the Trans Mountain pipeline from Kinder Morgan, Prime Minister Trudeau has become just the latest committed climat…
Canadian travelling abroad names every Canadian celebrity in order to validate Canadian identity
BERLIN – While travelling through Europe this past week, Adam De Sousa spouted off every single Canadian celebrity in an erie unbroken 38 minute monologue in order to assert that he was ind…
Nation appalled by the U.S. losing 1500 migrants not as concerned that Canada has lost 4,000 Indigenous women
OTTAWA – Since the story of the U.S. immigration enforcement agency known as ICE losing 1500 migrant children went viral over the weekend, thousands of people from the country that ignored …
BC Premier’s bathroom mirror smeared with “Revenge” written in bitumen
YELLOWKNIFE – After attempting to get some sleep before a Western Premiers’ Meeting, BC Premier John Horgan awoke to discover that someone had smeared the words “Revenge” in thick Alberta b…
Local patio can’t wait for start of drunk asshole season
TORONTO – As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, the patio at local restaurant Bennie’s is ramping up to Drunk Asshole season when it’ll finally be covered by boozy morons bein…
Emergency Alert System texts ‘U Up?’ at 4am
OTTAWA – Following the nationwide Emergency Alert testing glitch this week that left thousands of Canadians staring expectantly at their phones for a message that never came, the system sou…
