OTTAWA – The Royal Canadian Mint declared a state of crisis this week, announcing that they have nearly run out of ideas for pictures to print on the quarter. “The mint has a proud history …
National
Aging Canada tells everyone it’s turning 150 again
OTTAWA – Leading up to its July 1st birthday, Canada has been telling people that it is turning 150 for a second year in a row out of fear that it will be thought of as “that gross old coun…
Stoned Canadians pretty sure government legalized pot last year
GUELPH, ON – Upon being advised that the Senate had finally voted to legalize marijuana a large and lethargic group of Canadians reported confusion, as they were fairly confident that happe…
Exclusive: A Canadian shoe smuggling mule who’s able to fit 9 pairs in his rectum when he crosses US border
FORT ERIE, ON – A Canadian shoe smuggler has gone to great lengths to remain undetected by border security revealing a dangerous game between cat and mouse. When US President Donald Trump w…
Trudeau stays silent on U.S. separating families to preserve excellent relationship between Canada and Trump
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Trudeau is refusing to end the Safe Third Country Agreement, or criticize the Trump admin’s policy of separating migrant children from their parents, noting that to …
Canada gains numerous concessions from Trump after becoming a ruthless dictatorship pursuing WMDs
OTTAWA – US tariffs on Canadian aluminum and steel have been promptly lifted after Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has impressed US President Donald Trump with numerous human rights violation…
Patriotism: This Canadian chugs a carton of milk to show support for the dairy board even though he’s lactose intolerant
Donald Trump’s attack on Canada’s Dairy Board has inspired one proud Canuck to show his country will not be intimidated by drinking 2 L of pure Canadian milk despite the fact he’s lactose intoler…
PM reminds those still fighting the War of 1812 to lay down their muskets, adhere to the Treaty of Ghent
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reminded Canadians still warring with Americans in a conflict that ended over 200 years ago to lay down their arms to appease US President Donald …
Bell Media prepares for Doug Ford era by renewing The Beaverton for a third season
TORONTO – In what will surely be remembered as the most consequential news of the day, Bell Media has elected to renew The Beaverton for a third season. “Statistically speaking, Doug Ford i…
Rest of Canada would appreciate it if Ontario would hurry the fuck up and vote already
EVERYWHERE THAT ISN’T ONTARIO – The rest of Canada is urging Ontario to please take whatever steps are necessary to conclude their tumultuous and extremely prolonged provincial election. “Our res…
