OTTAWA – A new study indicates that the biggest cause of Canadians repeatedly exclaiming ‘fuck this fucking shit’ is shovelling snow. “Of all the frustrations that plague …
National
Trudeau struggles to find astronaut to fill Governor General position
OTTAWA – Following the resignation of Governor General Julie Payette, in the wake of abuse allegations, Prime Minister Trudeau has been having an impossible time finding another astronaut t…
Study: Every winter Canadians complain that every winter Canadians complain about the winter
OTTAWA – A new study has found that, for every three complaints expressed about winter, one complaint has been made about said complaints. “It’s like it’s their first winter ever!” said one…
Member of group that told him how often to masturbate wonders how it all went wrong
TORONTO – Upon learning that the Proud Boys have been designated a terrorist group, Toronto chapter member Steven Bloom was at a loss to explain how an organization that orders its members to onl…
Terrorist financing of Proud Boys cut off as Mom withholds allowance
CALGARY – A 62-year-old mother has cut off terrorist funding by withholding her 35-year-old son’s allowance. Gillian Brown explained that the $20 weekly stipend she gave to her son Jamie wa…
Jonathan Kay pretty sure cancel culture to blame for him using dog shampoo
TORONTO – After his tweet about mistakenly using dog shampoo for several months went viral, Canadian journalist Jonathan Kay has been hard at work explaining how exactly “the cancel culture…
Snowbirds outraged they were only given one year notice on non-essential travel
PALM BEACH, FL – Dozens of Canadian snowbirds are outraged that the federal government only gave them a year to change their annual migratory plans due to the global COVID-19 pandemic. Many…
Canada Post-Punk claims mail’s not dead
REGINA – Despite claims that physical mail has been declining and gone to the wayside the past two decades, a local Canada Post-Punk rebukes the notion, and states that mail’s not dead. “Li…
Trudeau: If Liberals vetted people before giving them powerful jobs, I’d never have become Prime Minister
OTTAWA – Under fire for not properly vetting Julie Payette before selecting her as Canada’s Governor General, Justin Trudeau pointed out today that too much vetting can actually be a …
“Don’t call me Canada’s Donald Trump” says Canada’s Donald Trump Jr.
OTTAWA – Rejecting accusations that he is similar in any way to President Donald Trump, Canada’s equivalent to Donald Trump Jr. released a statement denying his party is in any way fa…
