OTTAWA – A new study has found that, for every three complaints expressed about winter, one complaint has been made about said complaints.
“It’s like it’s their first winter ever!” said one of the research participants. “There’s this guy Kyle from the design department, and in November he was complaining it’s too cold! I’m like ‘Bud! You just wait till February! And here we are. He comes to work in sneakers and complains about slipping and breaking his wrist. God some people are just bad at winter.”
The study found that for many Canadians, rather than agree with the simple proposition that walking to the subway in -15 degree weather during a blizzard does suck like our facebook friend posted, our natural instinct is to laugh at them and say something like “baby can’t handle a bit of cold? Why don’t you move to Florida then.”
Lead researcher Dr John Choi elaborated. “We noticed a very interesting hierarchy in what we call the ‘Counter Complaints’. The Counter Complaints were only valid if the hometown of the Counter Complainer was colder than the original complainer’s hometown. For example, if someone from Vancouver complains about the winter anyone can put forward a counter-complaint and say they don’t know what real cold is. But if someone from Sudbury complains then only people from cities like Saguenay, Saskatoon and Regina can make valid Counter Complaints.”
Dr. Choi added that the only reason he was funded to do this study in the first place is that he is from Winnipeg, and therefore knows more about winter “than any of you whiny Ontario pussies.”
The study also found that every one of the people making fun of people complaining about the cold during winter spend most of the summer complaining about the heat.
Dr Choi and his team are already looking to embark on their next study; if we are all making fun of people who go to the cottage, then who’s actually going to the cottage?
At press time Dr. Choi had further revealed that for every 10 complaints Canadians make about Canadians complaining about winter, there will be one satirical article written making fun of Canadians complaining about Canadians complaining about winter.
