OTTAWA – Canadians were surprised to learn this week that anyone in the nation’s capital is having sex after a report revealed that over a fifth of Ottawa residents are users of the a…
Local
Ontario to lower debt by selling Windsor on Kijiji
Queen’s Park – On the heels of S&P’s reduction of Ontario’s credit score, the Liberal Government announced an intention to earn some extra cash by selling the city of Windsor and its 21…
Local barbecue going pretty we- OH CHRIST THAT MOTH IS HUGE
WINDSOR – As the burgers cook and the keg is already half-empty, it seems that a local BBQ is going to be a big succe- OH JESUS WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING? “It just came pinwheeling out of…
Saskatchewan man refuses to lower Confederate flag until someone explains what it means
Craven, Saskatchewan – After many were offended by the dozens of Confederate flags spotted at the Craven Country Jamboree, local man Erik Gibson has refused to remove his flag from his truc…
Girlfriend scientists find 99% of food too spicy
GUELPH, ON – Research done by girlfriend scientists at the University of Guelph has uncovered that nearly all food is far too hot and/or spicy. The study involved the tasting of hundreds of…
Local woman super pumped to carry La Senza bag on subway
TORONTO — Local woman Chelsea Burney told reporters that she was “really looking forward” to carrying a 14 by 22-inch bag bearing the highly recognizable logo of women’s lingerie store La Senza o…
Nerdy children live out dreams at Bully Fantasy Camp
ONODOGA, ONTARIO – Camp Wannapoundya, billed as “North America’s first bully fantasy camp,” offers weak and harassed children the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to live out their fantasies of tor…
Shark attack kills three relevant news stories
VIRGINIA BEACH – A Great White Shark has taken the lives of three innocent, news-worthy stories yesterday in the US. The vicious assault on the three unsuspecting reports off the coast of V…
Local dad still doesn’t know how to operate Father’s Day gift
MISSISSAUGA – Danielle Norstrom has confirmed that after hours of “shouting and carrying on” the 2 terabyte portable media player and hard drive that their son Derek, 23, gave to her husban…
Dad not too keen on sushi
OAKVILLE—Witnesses are reporting that despite being open to it if others feel strongly about it, Dad is not incredibly keen on going to the nearby sushi restaurant favored by his family. “It’s ju…
