TORORNNTO? – Hey! Hey everybody! Local reportings told me today that today is St. Patrick’ss dayys! Yeah! HELL YEAH! According to this guy encountered at this bar that serves really, really great…
Local
Vancouver luxury condo revealed to be cluster of oil soaked rags
VANCOUVER – Purchasers of units within Vancouver’s luxury condo, “The Pacific”, were dismayed to find that the building they were preparing to move into was in fact just a large cluster of oil so…
Ted Rogers statue receives better police treatment than actual human women
TORONTO – Following an incident in which police visited a man who jokingly threatened to tear down the Ted Rogers statue, Toronto police have warned citizens that they take online threats o…
Racist grandma bakes better cookies than non-racist grandma
SARNIA, ON – A study of all 4 Clarkson grandchildren has confirmed that the cookies baked by their sweet, kind grandmother Dorothy don’t even compare to those made by their mean, xeno…
Saskatchewan voyeur jerks off to wheat again
ALAMEDA, SK – Local voyeur Thomas Ristic has once again been forced to masturbate to completion while staring at the 50 acres of wheat that neighbour his property. “This was never my first …
60-year-old offered federal government job she applied to 31 years ago
OTTAWA — The wait has been long, but a 60-year-old retiree is happy to know that she was the successful candidate in a federal government job competition for which she first applied in 1985…
Renaissance caveman can both hunt and gather
AFRICA, 1 MILLION YEARS AGO – The Tun clan, a tribe of early humans located in Africa’s Cradle of Humankind, were floored recently by the emerging abilities of a young cave-polymath named T…
Facebook sad face a real time-saver for those expressing condolences for dead grandmother
BURLINGTON – Users of popular social networking site Facebook are warmly receiving the new reaction icons that replaced the “Like” icon previously featured on the site, noting they are particular…
Mediocre man seeks perfect woman
TIMMINS, ON – A local man seeks a muse worthy of epic poetry, despite his average face and mildly boring disposition. Jordan Ronson, an insurance adjuster in his 30s, posted a profile on Ok…
Grad student buys fancy bottle of ketchup for Valentine’s Day dinner
HALIFAX – Dalhousie graduate student Michael Conroy surprised his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day with a luxurious macaroni and cheese dinner, which he paired with an expensive glass bottle o…
