ALAMEDA, SK – Local voyeur Thomas Ristic has once again been forced to masturbate to completion while staring at the 50 acres of wheat that neighbour his property.
“This was never my first choice, but, well, here we are,” said Ristic, disposing of three, balled-up tissues and buckling his trousers. “Good that there’s a wind out there. The swaying helps.”
Alameda saw a 20% growth in its population in 2015 bringing its total to 335 people, none of whom are near enough to serve Ristic’s perversion.
“My new neighbour moved in just 30km down the road and I thought I’d finally be able to properly sate my throbbing urges,” said Ristic. “But, unfortunately, even my top-of-the-line peeping telescope cannot see around the curvature of the earth.”
Driving to prime creeping locations is also out of the question. The deathly silence of the prairies means most cars can be heard from miles away, and the depressing lack of human contact means Ristic is often invited in for dinner after being caught pleasuring himself outside a home.
“People around here don’t respect a man’s privacy when he’s invading their privacy,” says an exasperated Ristic. “At least the grain doesn’t try to start a conversation about the weather while I’m getting my stroke on.”
Ristic says he used to reach climax after first being sexually aroused by the fear of being caught, a fear that is difficult to replicate due to the wheat’s apparent ambivalence.
“As a general rule, plants do not undress in front of windows,” explained Ristic. “So I need to be a bit creative. Yesterday I pretended that the whole field was just the hair on top of a very sexy, very large giant’s head. It was a bit of a mindfuck, but it got the job done.”
At press time, that groundhog outside was definitely a dirty girl.
