SARNIA, ON – A study of all 4 Clarkson grandchildren has confirmed that the cookies baked by their sweet, kind grandmother Dorothy don’t even compare to those made by their mean, xenophobic grandma Mildred.
“I don’t really like spending time with grandma Mildred because she’s always talking about the ‘coloureds’ who moved in next door, but oh my god have you tried these!” Said Evan, 14, while munching on his fifth oatmeal chocolate chip cookie of the day.
“I think she put caramel in this batch” he added.
The investigation was unanimous that while Dorothy was friendly, supportive and loving of people from all types of ethnicities and religions, her cookies taste like a stale piece of clay someone had mixed raisins into.
“I’ve always believed that we should celebrate other cultures and identities, so we can all learn from each other. When we mix people or things from different places, that is when the magic happens,” said Dorothy as she made the horrible choice to add curry to a shortbread cookie recipe.
“I’m not saying Grandma Mildred’s obvious dislike of my Chinese girlfriend is what makes her a better baker, but clearly it isn’t hurting,” said Emery, 17. “Just don’t ever read what she writes in the icing.”
Asked what was the key to her baking success Mildred, after making sure the reporter asking was not an Italian, advised that “some people bake with love, but that is for pussies. The key to really great baking is pure, unadulterated hate for everything different in this world. Only when you achieve true hate can you make a great macaroon.”
“Plus I always double the suggested amount of butter.”
The family was also unanimous in deciding that their alcoholic grandpa Joe had way better stories than their other, sober granddad.
