TORONTO – In a horrifying discovery yesterday, Kimberly Atkinson’s meticulously-researched retirement plans were torn apart after the 33 year-old interior designer realized that she had painstaki…
Lifestyle
Optimistic woman only burns June pages of 2020 planner
TORONTO – As provincial governments are taking slow and measured steps towards loosening social distancing regulations, 26 year-old Montana Tremeshko destroyed only the June pages of her 20…
Burglar who hid under bed to avoid getting caught has been waiting two months for woman to leave apartment
VANCOUVER – When cat burglar Blanche Hudson dove under the bed of intended victim Jane Davis after Davis unexpectedly returned home during an attempted robbery, Hudson had no idea that she …
Spine of woman crouched in front of laptop achieves Golden Ratio
MARKHAM, ON – In the act of crouching over her laptop for hours on end, Salma Kuchis managed to finally curl her spine perfectly into the approximation of the Golden Ratio. “Here I was thin…
Canada Post overwhelmed by volume of wistful love-letters sent to nation’s eyebrow estheticians
OTTAWA – As a result of COVID-19 public safety measures, thousands of salons nationwide have closed down. Without access to regular eyebrow maintenance appointments, women have begun floodi…
Quarantined couple attempt to spice up relationship by putting pants on
TORONTO – Monica Gonzales and Tom Meyer, a couple living in downtown Toronto, had been self-isolating together for over a month when they felt their relationship growing stale. The couple, …
Local woman claims daily routine of panic, anguish, and despair really helps to centre her
EDMONTON – Recently laid-off Natalie Ramires has been evangelizing about the benefits of a fixed daily schedule built upon panic, anguish and despair during self-isolation. “I live alone, …
New puppy feeling a lot of pressure to fill massive emotional void in owner’s heart
OTTAWA – Rover, a two-month-old mutt who was recently adopted by Kaleb Smith, is enjoying the frequent walks and treats but is worried he’s not equipped to handle the myriad of avoida…
Social butterflies soothed by nonstop robocall scams
VANCOUVER – As an increasing number of people are under quarantine or self-isolating to help stop the spread of COVID-19, the stress of long periods of solitude is for many extroverts only …
Local hamster celebrates eight months in social isolation
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Local hamster, Peaches Whitaker, took a moment to celebrate eight months of social isolation, spending her entire life thus far in a tiny plastic cage. “Eight-months baby!…
