VANCOUVER – When cat burglar Blanche Hudson dove under the bed of intended victim Jane Davis after Davis unexpectedly returned home during an attempted robbery, Hudson had no idea that she was going to be spending eight weeks and counting under there.
“I was just about to make off with her jewellery when I heard the front door open so I thought, okay, I’ll hide under the bed and sneak out the next time she leaves,” Hudson whispered from her new home under Davis’s double bed. “That was sixty-four days ago.”
“On the one hand, it’s nice that she’s taking the message ‘stay home,’ so seriously, I have elderly relatives and I really appreciate that she’s trying to keep them and everyone else safe during this pandemic. On the other hand, all of her jewellery turned out to be fake and I am slowly but surely going mad.”
Davis, who lives in a 400 sq.ft. studio apartment, is unaware that she’s had an unwelcome roommate for the last two months due to Hudson’s stealth skills and Davis’s longtime habit of attributing any unusual occurrence to paranormal activity. Hudson has been happy to feed into Davis’s supernatural beliefs in order to avoid being discovered and arrested for burglary as well as the myriad other laws she’s broken by secretly hiding underneath someone else’s bed for two months.
“Whenever I fart, I cover it with a spooky ‘oooooh’ sound. It’s worked so far, but I know my luck can only hold out so long. If she starts to wonder why the glass of water she brings to bed every night is drained before morning or if her Zoom pals ever notice the shadowy figure crawling around in the background of their calls, sneaking food off of her plates and flinging buckets of human waste out her window, I’m sunk,” Hudson said.
“If only she’d take a shower, I’d finally have enough time to escape.”
At press time, Davis was startled by a cry of anguish coming from underneath her bed after telling her boss that she’d be happy to continue to telecommute for the foreseeable future.