Bath, ON – In an effort to prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus, prison inmate Geoff Rogers has taken necessary measures to distance himself from others by escaping from the Millhaven I…
Law
Teen files lawsuit against Juul after seeing everyone looking cool as hell doing it
REGINA, SK – A local teen has filed a lawsuit against the popular vaping company Juul after seeing how cool his peers looked filing their own. “I was late to vaping in the first place,” sai…
Tax-cheating drunk driver furious about protesters not respecting the rule of law
VANCOUVER – Walter Cline, a man who knowingly cheats on his taxes every single year and drives drunk several times a month, thinks it’s just disgusting that some people have broken the law …
RCMP: Exclusion zones necessary to protect Canadian public from dangers of rampant journalism
UNCEDED WET’SUWET’EN TERRITORY – Following a pre-dawn raid to remove Indigenous occupants from several camps in northern B.C. today, the RCMP is defending its practice of removing journalis…
RCMP close financial crimes unit after losing entire budget in air duct cleaning telemarketer scheme
TORONTO – The nation’s federal law enforcement agency has announced that they will soon be closing the headquarters of its Ontario financial crimes unit after accidentally losing its entire opera…
Vancouver Police Department preemptively apologizes for all of the racist incidents it will be involved in this year
VANCOUVER – In the interests of efficiency, the Vancouver Police Department has decided to start the new year by apologizing for all of the hundreds of racist interactions they will have wi…
Judge grants child custody to parent’s smartphone
OAKVILLE, ON – An Ontario judge has granted sole physical custody to her divorced parent’s iPhone 9, which was deemed to be the only thing that helped raise the child. After a lengthy legal…
Man offered $69 court settlement accidentally accepts with kneejerk “noice!”
VICTORIA – Jack Lambert was hoping his lawsuit against a contractor whose shoddy work caused structural damage to Lambert’s home would at least net him enough money to pay for the repairs&#…
Undercover cop at high school successfully completes high school
Victoria, BC – After five years of fruitlessly investigating minor drug crimes at a local high school, sources have confirmed that undercover RCMP officer Frank ‘Frankie’ DeRosa…
Grinch acquitted despite bodycam video showing him stealing Christmas
WHOVILLE—A federal court has found the Grinch not guilty of grand larceny and impersonating Santa Claus, after a controversial trial that featured bodycam evidence of the green monster stealing C…