VICTORIA, BC — In a tense moment at the dinner table Jessica Trevors declined a toothpick and has taken to fully using her fingernail to get “whatever it is” out of her teeth. “I thought ma…
Health
Doctors warn this year’s flu vaccine may contain high levels of immunity
GENEVA – After getting preliminary test results, the World Health Organization is warning the public that getting this year’s flu vaccine may put you at risk of not contracting the often de…
Woman discovers entire personality is complaining about being tired
HAMILTON, ON — After finally benefitting from a restful night’s sleep due to a Daylight Savings mishap, Vera Woods, has officially realized that her personality only consists of complaining…
Workplace first aid kit has every medical tool except fucking band aids
MISSISSAUGA, ON – This week at the law firm of Wessleman and Wessleman, a suitcase-sized first aid kit was discovered to contain every medical supply imaginable except for the common band-a…
Heroic purse adorned with hand sanitizer keychain becomes humanity’s final hope against contagious epidemic
EDMONTON – In an alarming new report from the Public Health Agency of Canada, one handbag embellished with several hand sanitizer keychains has become the nation’s only hope against an impe…
Ontario Medical Association apologizes for calling recreational cannabis a gateway drug by offering free opioid prescriptions
TORONTO – OMA President Dr Nadia Alam has issued an apology to all recreational cannabis users for calling the soon-to-be-legal substance a gateway drug and is offering free prescriptions t…
Study: Doing yoga makes you three times more likely to tell people you do yoga
CALGARY — Scientists at the University of Calgary have discovered that the most likely outcome of committing to a yoga regime is telling people that you do yoga. Dr. Gerald Rutker went into…
Yoga instructor who just finished two-week course excited to damage people’s spines
Kitsilano, BC — Newly certified yoga instructor Danielle Neal is looking forward to opening the hearts and warping the spines of members of her community. Neal’s fast-tracked “Power Yoga Tr…
Study: sitting is the new smoking, and lying down is the new getting addicted to heroin
VANCOUVER – A new study released from UBC Medical School has confirmed the long held suspicion that sitting for extended periods of time is just as harmful as smoking a pack a day, and adde…
Local woman runs at night because her greatest motivator is fear
KINGSTON, ON – Tired of giving up halfway through her daytime workouts, Kate Brown starts all her 5 km runs after 9:30 pm to ensure she stays motivated and afraid. “I’m just not a gym person,” Ka…
