HAMILTON, ON — After finally benefitting from a restful night’s sleep due to a Daylight Savings mishap, Vera Woods, has officially realized that her personality only consists of complaining about being tired.
“When I woke up actually rested for the first time in months, I was disoriented”, confirms, Woods, 37, “I had no idea how to begin conversations with anyone in my life. If the first words out of mouth aren’t, ‘I’m so exhausted’, I don’t have any words to say.”
While it’s considered socially normal to complain about being tired, many North Americans, like Woods, have kicked it up a notch. This has led many people to find classic “tired people” characteristics acceptable. These characteristics include: continuously self diagnosing oneself with mono; constant loud yawning mid-sentence; and fully walking into traffic.
“I literally didn’t recognize her”, concurred close friend Tanya Ransik. “Not only did Vera look different, but she was able to carry on a conversation about something other than her wondering if she had anemia.” Ransik continued, “After she properly slept, we finally talked about my divorce. To be honest, she didn’t have much to say on the topic, but the change was appreciated.”
Doctors have proven that one’s brain functions are 68% more successful with proper sleep, and that their personalities are 89% way less annoying.
“It’s common for people like Vera to be at a loss of personality right now considering it’s the main way we learn to connect with others socially”, explains Dr. Francesco Soppo. “In college it’s cool to party all night and then be obnoxiously useless the next day; but to form an entire personality around what you thought was cool in college is medically troubling. I mean, if that’s the case, we’d all still be dating emotionally unavailable people. But that would be ludicrous if we still did that, right?”
At press time Vera Woods is appreciating her alertness but is starting to realize that she may be just a very boring person.
