OTTAWA – Announcing a new set of guidelines for Canadians before assembled press, representatives with Health Canada have confirmed that vaccinated residents are now permitted to cough directly i…
Health
Andrea Horwath announces bold plan to never, ever, ever become premier
TORONTO – Ontario NDP leader Andrea Horwath announced that she would oppose mandatory COVID vaccinations for teachers, yet another plank in her expansive new plan to never become Ontario’s …
Delta variant excited to vote for Maxime Bernier
North Bay, ON – While making a pre-election tour in communities as far away from non-white Canadians as possible, Maxime Bernier gained an early endorsement when the Covid Delta variant exp…
Anti-vaxxers celebrate killing more people than most dictators
Miami, Florida – With vaccination rates stalling across the developed world even as the Delta Variant kills thousands every day, the global anti-vaccine movement is celebrating the fact tha…
Woman two minutes into her first maskless outing already told to smile
KINGSTON – Less than one hundred and twenty seconds after venturing out into public without a mask for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic started, 28-year-old Maddie Herbert has alr…
Ford defends Ontarians’ constitutional right to infect their neighbours with Delta variant
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford firmly rejected the possibility of vaccine passports or forcing immunizations, citing Ontarians’ constitutional right to contract the deadly COVID-19 virus …
Preemptive autopsy reveals patient will die from having organs methodically removed
EDMONTON – Breaking new ground in the field of preventative medicine, a team of doctors at the Center for Advanced Medical Research performed a preemptive autopsy on a willing patient and p…
Coworker tries to convince you that memory of her shitting pants is the Mandela effect
LONDON, ON – An ontological nightmare has ravaged downtown’s Tabby Kitten Cafe after your coworker and local barista, Noelle Burns, tried to convince the staff that the memory of her …
Local woman spices up life by swinging wildly between depression and anxiety
EDMONTON, AB – Local interior designer Rebecca McCallops has found a new lease on her otherwise humdrum life by veering wildly between bouts of depression and anxiety. “I was in a really he…
Local man in line confusingly announces he won’t be tipping his vaccine nurse
WESTMOUNT, QC – Local resident Glerbert Memps was waiting in line to receive his first COVID vaccine shot when he loudly announced to the strangers behind him that he would definitely not b…