MONTREAL – Sources today confirmed that a public bathroom in Mount Royal Park has completely run out of soap, toilet paper, functioning faucets, and lightbulbs. Owen Cunningham, a frequent …
Health
Critics slam measles reboot as another nostalgia-fuelled cash grab
CALGARY – The recent resurgence of measles across North America has drawn widespread criticism, with observers condemning the outbreak as yet another creatively-bankrupt nostalgia remake dr…
Couples pregnancy app carefully dumbs down information sent to father
BRANDON, MB – A new pregnancy-monitoring app, 9months, has gained popularity thanks to its carefully-analyzed gestational data which is shared with expectant mothers and completely withheld…
Dermatologist gives up on your stupid face
TORONTO – Citing an exhaustive battery of treatment, dermatologist Dr. Barbara Sanders has officially terminated all care of your profoundly and irredeemably stupid face. When Dr. Sanders f…
Polio, Bubonic Plague, Smallpox compete to see who can re-establish themselves in Canada next
MEDICINE HAT, AB – With the announcement that Canada has officially lost its measles elimination status, Canadians have begun taking sides on which other formerly endemic diseases they want…
Workplace bathroom spray in losing battle
BURLINGTON, ON – In what no one would describe as a remotely close fight, the vanilla-scented air freshener in the second-floor women’s bathroom of a local office building is accepting defeat. Af…
RFK Jr. criticizes science behind seatbelts
Washington, D.C. – In another upending of health rules and regulations from the new administration, secretary of health RFK Jr. has revealed the true dangers of seat belt use. “Seatbelts ma…
Man who gets winded climbing stairs describes plan to repel home invasion
GEORGE, NB – Despite no self-defense training and being incredibly out of shape, cell phone kiosk employee Wade Creamer, 27, has often described to friends his plans for countering a potent…
Study: Bilingual people forget twice as many words after hitting middle age
OTTAWA, ON ― An alarming new study out of the University of Ottawa suggests that years of recommendations to learn a new language in order to stave off cognitive decline may in fact have the oppo…
Pregnant woman startled by unexpected symptom of everyone being really nice to her
VANCOUVER – Sarah Jenkins, 32, who is seven months pregnant with her first child, has reportedly had some difficulty adjusting to a strange new symptom: colleagues, acquaintances, and even strang…
