NEW JERSEY – Famed fantasy novelist George RR Martin appeared before bewildered reporters this past Tuesday to tearfully admit that he accidentally lost the recently-finished next instalment of h…
Culture
Editorial: Oscar Season is Heating Up! by a child named Oscar
By Oscar Barnes, Grade 2 Hi! The calendar is flipping to January, and if you love great movies, that means one thing: It’s time to start thinking about Oscar! Because he is hosting a birthday par…
Netflix password-sharing crackdown reveals just one paid subscriber
LOS GATOS, CA -– Following a new policy designed to strictly limit account-sharing among multiple users, Netflix has discovered that it has always just been one subscriber. The lone paying custom…
J. K. Rowling announces that Hermione is a TERF
EDINBURGH – In the latest of a slew of Harry Potter retconning, J. K. Rowling recently tweeted that the beloved know-it-all Hermione Granger is a trans-exclusionary radical feminist who is …
Hallmark CEO reverses decision to pull ads featuring lesbians after being visited by three gay ghosts
STUDIO CITY, CA – Following a magical nocturnal adventure guided by three homosexual Christmas spirits, the president and CEO of Hallmark Cards Inc has publicly apologized for caving into r…
Dozens flee local bar after noticing microphone stand
LONDON, ON — What was supposed to be a regular night, at Dawson’s Pub and Eatery, turned to mayhem last night when the appearance of a microphone stand sent many patrons fleeing for their l…
“Kids just don’t play like they used to” says dead body down by the quarry
BOBCAYGEON, ON — On a grey November morn down by a not often trodden down path near a quarry it has been reported by Phil Douglass, deceased January 10, 1996, that children “just don’…
Local woman’s Spotify Year in Review very sad, very horny
EDMONTON – Yesterday, Spotify released their annual ‘Wrapped’ feature, which reveals users’ most played music from the past year. However not all were impressed, including Jillian Langdon, …
Rioters demand return of Anne with an E
CHARLOTTETOWN – Cities across the country are paralyzed amid the chaos stemming from the cancellation of the CBC-Netflix series ‘Anne with an E.’ The protestors, ranging in age from 8-17 an…
Inspiring: Jennifer Aniston on turning 50, ghastly aging painting in attic
LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Aniston, radiant as ever at fifty, revealed that the secret to her perfect, wrinkle-free skin is a regular exfoliation routine, a daily meditation practice, and a gho…
