CALGARY – A local man without a savings account has discovered a new passion for ripping on the nation’s complicated, finely balanced economy. “These are dark times for investors and financ…
Aunt Ruth to finally take COVID seriously now that she knows dogs can catch it
NIAGARA – Reports from within your family indicate a huge burden was lifted today, as sources indicate that Aunt Ruth finally plans to take COVID seriously solely for the wellness of her th…
America’s neo-nazis ask for patience and space to grieve downfall of racist dictator
WASHINGTON D.C. – As the results of the 2020 election settle in, America’s neo-nazi community is asking for time and space to grieve the downfall of their beloved racist dictator, Donald Tr…
Demand for Bubble Boy halloween costume reaches all-time high
OTTAWA – As spooky aficionados seek out creative ways to celebrate Halloween while practicing social distancing, an unlikely costume candidate has become popular: Jake Gyllenhaal’s characte…
Local woman’s fondest memory of 2020 is really gonna be that new Borat movie huh?
CALGARY – Despite her best efforts at self-improvement and professional development during the COVID-19 pandemic, it looks like, somehow, the peak of Florence Vega’s year will be her Monday…
FEMINISM WIN: This girl boss is reuniting the long-separated Church and State
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Watch out, the patriarchy! Total girlboss Amy Coney-Barrett is on her way to joining the Supreme Court, where she’ll use her combination glass-ceiling-slash-civil-rights-…
EDITORIAL: Sick teachers are a small price to pay to get me the hell away from the horrible kids I made by choice
By Liz Peterson There’s been a lot of fuss made about kids going back to school during coronavirus. Every mommy blogger under the sun has been ‘gramming about “too soon” this and “superspreader e…
Erin O’Toole nabs Canada’s coveted racist statue demographic
OTTAWA – This weekend the Conservative Party’s new leader made promising inroads with a key voter demographic: Canada’s tight-knit community of racist statues. “What happened to our brother…
LOOPHOLE ALERT! This woman extended her COVID benefits by animorphing into an oil and gas company
CALGARY – A local theatre usher laid off during the beginning weeks of the COVID has discovered a new, exciting loophole to extend her vital pandemic benefits: animorphing into an oil and g…
EDITORIAL: The WE scandal proves that charities fucking suck at doing crimes
By Kent Gutterman As a Canadian, the WE scandal is hugely embarrassing to me. But as a lifelong petty criminal who worships the craft of constructing the perfect grift, it’s fucking humiliating t…