Skye Davis, 23, reported recently turning to astrology for “some clarity and stability in these trying times”. She thought nothing of it when she downloaded the 16th astrology app to her phone on a lunch break.
“At first they just made my phone a mess, and sapped all my data,” Davis explained. “I got a push notification every ten minutes with a prediction update. The Chinese zodiac predictions always contradicted the Hellenistic ones. And CHANI says I’m a Pisces moon, so I took all of this chaos and aggression quite personally.”
But things quickly began to spiral out of control. Soon Davis’ push notifications turned from vague daily affirmations to specific taunts about her most recent tweets, roasts of her selfies, and critical messages about her bad habit of checking up on exes’ Instagrams. Strange Russian astrology apps Skye had never heard of would appear and disappear from her phone, sporadically informing her how much she was turning into her mother, by percentage. She was commanded to subscribe to all of them, “or else.”
“The threats got real – every notification was a countdown to the day I’d die, and the date kept getting closer and closer,” Davis explained. “The Pattern said they’d eat my dad if I didn’t buy a detailed report about my Saturn return.”
Davis tried to delete the offending apps, but found they’d discovered the technology U2 used to put their albums on everyone’s phones and had leveraged it to restore themselves. Such a strong concentration of astrological predictions in one place caused the signs of Skye’s closest friends and relatives to change, as though she was warping the concept of astrology itself.
“Ultimately I had to torch the phone and buy a Nokia,” Davis continued. “Yeah, I miss my normal apps, but it’s worth it to not create a hole in the fabric of time and space that makes my boyfriend a Scorpio. Ugh. Plus Co-Star can’t tell me I should ‘celebrate Mercury in retrograde by drowning my dump truck ass in the nearest sewer’.”
From now on, Davis has sworn off the apps, pledging to only trust a network of carefully vetted local astrologers.