The government has approved several COVID vaccines for widespread use, and lots of us are debating which one we should get. Worry no longer, because I did the dirty work for you: I got my hands on every COVID vaccine, and here’s how they all tasted.
Pfizer-BioNTech – TOO COLD! I’m all about putting a few ice cubes in my wine but this gave me MAJOR brain freeze. Had to throw it in the microwave for a few minutes to warm it up. Also, the taste is just horrendous – bitter, medical, GROSS! No idea why it seems like this is the one all of my friends are getting. Honestly feels way overhyped. Really glad I had a gin and tonic to rinse this one down. 4/10.
Moderna – Another mRNA vaccine. Another shot that makes my mouth feel like it’s been flavour-blasted by a bunch of rubbing alcohol somebody ran through a fax machine. That being said I did accidentally eat the lid too this time so that might have affected things, but I doubt it. 4/10, even that gross banana flavour they put in penicillin would be better than this.
Johnson and Johnson – Honestly I felt like I was getting half the serving size for the same price. There was barely enough fluid for my SodaStream to fizz. Also I don’t know why all of these vaccines taste so bad? I’ve eaten Nintendo Switch game cartridges with a more balanced flavour profile. 1/10, can’t believe the company that makes my favourite drinkable Baby Oil would do this to me.
Sputnik 5 – Don’t even bother with this one. It’s just straight vodka. 3/10, I prefer gin.
Astra-Zeneca – I’m really happy they’re limiting this one to people 64 and under because the taste of this thing would definitely kill my grandma. This is without a doubt the bad boy of the vaccine world – barely 60% effective and may or may not turn all of your blood into one solid jello mass. But you know what? It’s been, like, 4 months since I really went out and partied. The risk made me feel alive again. 8/10, would sip again.
COVID-19, the virus – Literally can’t taste anything at all! Would have been the perfect time to beer-bong all of those vaccines but apparently I “wasn’t allowed in the clinic” because “my sneezes are too forceful” and I was “infecting everybody.” I guess it doesn’t matter anyway because I literally drank every vial and still got sick. Fucking bogus. Still giving it 9/10 to piss off big pharma.