TORONTO – Dozens of unkempt and haggard PC staffers greeted the morning dawn from the offices of Queen’s Park this morning, having spent the entire night trying to think of more alcohol rel…
‘Maybe this is the year the Leafs beat Boston,’ says delusional idiot who doesn’t know shit
TORONTO – Local man Dennis Hendricks believes this could be the year the Leafs finally end their playoff losing streak against the Boston Bruins, mostly because he’s a dumb fuck who says du…
NDP offers free tote bag to any member willing to run in federal election
OTTAWA – Struggling to field candidates in all 338 ridings for the 2019 federal election, the NDP is now offering members who decide to run some free perks, including a ‘pretty nice’ NDP br…
Worst person you know buys house
CALGARY – Reports from facebook and mutual friends have confirmed that Matt Wilsher, the person you would most like to see eaten by piranhas or stranded on a desert island, has recently pur…
Local man starting to suspect it’s too late to ask what Brexit is
Brandon, MB – Local man Steven Bach is getting the feeling that the time to figure out what Brexit actually is has long since passed. “I saw on the news that the UK government might fall du…
Scheer claims reports he endorsed Pizzagate merely distraction from important issue of whether Trudeau is Fidel Castro’s son
OTTAWA – Conservative leader Andrew Scheer is fighting back against reports that he endorsed the absurd Pizzagate conspiracy theory by saying the left wing media is merely trying to distrac…
Last person to use Toronto’s Union Station pre-construction dies of old age
TORONTO – Florence Green, the last person in the world to travel through Toronto’s Union Station before the renovation began, has died peacefully in her sleep at the age of 112. “Our belove…
Scheer credits rising poll numbers to time-tested Conservative strategy of ‘hope the Liberals do a big scandal’
OTTAWA – Basking in the glow of multiple polls showing his Conservative Party as the first choice of a plurality of Canadians in the upcoming election, leader Andrew Scheer says that, like …
Man microdosing LSD macrodoses talking about it
HALIFAX – Local man Gregory Neiman has begun taking small amounts of LSD at regular intervals in order to boost creativity and productivity, while at the same time taking large amounts of t…
‘Now do you see why I was covering this up?!’ yells Trudeau at reporters
OTTAWA – In the wake of Jody Wilson-Raybauld’s damning testimony an outraged Justin Trudeau spoke to reporters this morning, demanding they apologize for criticizing his prior efforts to st…