NORTH AMERICA – As women and minorities seek more equitable treatment in politics, education, and the workforce, one man, Derek Smith, has promised to support their cause as long as he can …
NRA recommends gun owners buy second gun to protect selves from first gun
FAIRFAX, VA – The NRA released a statement earlier today advising that all gun owners purchase an additional gun to be used in self-defense against the other guns they own. “Statistic after…
CBC courts younger viewers with yet another adaptation of 100 year old novel
TORONTO – In a bold programming move sure to excite millions of young Canadians, the Canadian Broadcasting Company has announced that they will reboot the early 20th century literary classi…
Saskatchewan now world’s top exporter of vastness
SASKATOON – Following successful advertising blitzes in key markets like New York, Beijing, and Mexico City, the Canadian prairie province has eked out the competition to become the world’s…
UN sends 40,000 peacekeepers to stabilize United States
GENEVA – Following reports of sustained violence and the rise of dangerous militant and political groups, the United Nations is allocating 40,000 peacekeepers to the US in an attempt to mai…
Nike boosts sales with new shoes targeted at young, wealthy centipedes
NEW YORK – Nike announced today that 2015 was its most successful year ever, crediting their massive increase in sales to a specialty line of sneakers that targeted the under-served “young,…
Family arguing in Mississippi Walmart checkout accidentally writes new Faulkner novel
MISSISSIPPI – Members of the slowly dissolving Sendwick clan, Collum and his children Leonard and Franny, have unintentionally created a previously unavailable work from Nobel Prize-winning…
Plucky investigative reporter found extremely dead
TORONTO – After spending several days delving into the dark world of political corruption, Ken Smead, a local idealistic reporter, has been found super-duper murdered. “Hoo boy,” said city …
Health-conscious dweeb opts for knuckle salad
TORONTO – Local dorkazoid Lewis Milliken has turned down a knuckle sandwich being offered by several men in a dark alleyway, preferring instead to get a healthier alternative. “Normally I’d…
Bill Cosby accidentally says 36 different names when asked about sexual assault charge
PENNSYLVANIA – After being charged with sexual assault Bill Cosby has unintentionally said 36 different female names when answering questions from reporters. “Charges? Oh of course the char…
