NORTH AMERICA – As women and minorities seek more equitable treatment in politics, education, and the workforce, one man, Derek Smith, has promised to support their cause as long as he can keep his undeserved social standing and the advantages that come with it.
“I’ve had good jobs, great political representation, barely any trouble with the law,” said Smith. “Now I’d like everybody else to be treated just as well. That is, without the redistribution any of my assets.”
“And trust me, I’d be even more outspoken if I wasn’t worried I’d hurt my chances of getting a job at my dad’s friend’s hedge fund,” added Smith.
Smith says that no one is as mad as he that his wealth and social status was acquired mostly through participation in a corrupt system that grinds millions of the less fortunate underfoot. However, he points out that reparations and affirmative action merely perpetuate more inequality by only disadvantaging white people.
“I feel for the underprivileged, I really do, but why do they have to take some of my opportunities? I worked really hard for them,” said Smith. “Why can’t they just use their own?”
Smith says he even supports the radical idea that all people should be allowed to own a home, provided that the money for those homes comes from somewhere else, and also that millions of new buyers don’t increase real estate prices.
“It’s time to make a change,” said Smith. “I mean that both about equality and about me switching from my convertible to my SUV for the winter.”
Smith’s words have resonated in the white male community. Last weekend hundreds of thousands attended the Million Man Stay Home, in which protesters stood up against inequality by refusing to let it be an inconvenience. Even now, many are using the internet to educate other white men about how inequality is horrible but they also shouldn’t really be expected to contribute.
“It’s time we all pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and find a way to solve this problem without bothering me,” said Smith. “Speaking of bootstraps, do you like these? They’re real alligator.”
At press time, many white men had suddenly realized that they were probably the ones being oppressed.
