VAUGHAN – Local bartender Henry McCullough has acquired just enough Spanish grammar and vocabulary in preparation for his trip to Mexico to be killed in its capital city. “Duolingo ha…
Customers pleasantly surprised to learn Subway chicken has 50% poultry DNA
TORONTO – Regular patrons of Subway restaurant were ‘delighted’ by the results of a CBC Marketplace investigation released last week that revealed that some of the food chain’s sandwi…
Trudeau’s approval rating jumps back to 65% after minute with Trump
OTTAWA – Telephone and internet surveys conducted today have shown that Justin Trudeau’s approval rating returned to its post-election high as soon as he he spent fifty-two seconds standing next …
Barista wakes up happy and refreshed, ready to be screamed at by customer
TORONTO – Feeling well-rested and in high spirits, local barista Jennifer McMahon has woken up this morning ready to be berated by a customer for any conceived imperfections in their mornin…
Local student unsure if he should say hi to nude prof at gym
LONDON – Western University student Arash Adari was forced to engage in brief but intensive deliberation yesterday afternoon on how to proceed after spotting his completely naked psychology profe…
Local mall Santa goes above and beyond, pretends he didn’t fight in Afghanistan
BURNABY, BC – Performing the role with grace and feeling, local man Connor McKenzie has never once in his time as a mall Santa let on that he fought for three years as part of the American-led c…
Kinder Morgan approval puts Trudeau ahead in Conservative leadership race
OTTAWA – After signing off on the Trans Mountain and Line 3 oil pipelines, Justin Trudeau has surged to a clear first place in the race to the lead the Conservative Party of Canada. “With Chong a…
Leonard Cohen’s new album just hour-long 12 Hz vibration
MONTREAL – Canadian music icon Leonard Cohen has just released “The World as I Hear It,” a new folk-pop-blues album which contains a single 63-minute track recorded at the lowest frequency a huma…
TTC concerned as signal system begins upgrading itself
TORONTO – After a recent series of service delays, workers at the Toronto Transit Commission have reported that trackside signalling equipment has become self-aware and is now improving itself au…
Scientists develop first Asian fusion reactor
TORONTO – For the first time ever, engineers at the University of Toronto have successfully built a scalable reactor capable of cold Asian fusion. “Make no mistake, this is the most importa…