TORONTO – After getting back her essay in Critical Approaches to Literature, second-year English major Justina Chu noticed that, once again, the only comment her teacher’s assistant made was, …
Tories offer Omar Khadr additional $10.5 million to stay in news until next election
OTTAWA – The Conservative Party has vowed to match Omar Khadr’s $10.5 million payout if he agrees to do “everything in his power” to remain in the news until the next federal election in 2019. “W…
REPORT: Nation still using Dave’s Netflix account
MISSISSAUGA – An investigation by the Netflix Data Engineering and Analytics team has found that each of the approximately 36.5 million Canadians is currently logged in to Dave’s Netflix account.…
Science win! Neil DeGrasse Tyson just destroyed this climate change denier by throwing him into a volcano
Just when you thought Neil DeGrasse Tyson couldn’t win the internet any harder, he outdoes himself. The astrophysicist and Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey host gets a lot of tweets from flat-earthers…
Captive Minister of Fisheries eyes dagger tucked in pirate king’s belt
ARABIAN SEA – After being held captive for three days by Absimil “Goose Flesh” Sayid and his crew while on assignment in Somalia, Minister of Fisheries Dominic LeBlanc saw in the knife hanging of…
Rogers unveils new ‘Unlimited Cost’ cell phone plan
TORONTO – Telecom giant Rogers Communications Inc. has expanded its selection of mobile plans by announcing its new “Unlimited Cost” option. “With our latest plan, the data might still be limited…
4D chess? While you were distracted by Trump’s tweets, they made another ‘Cars’ movie
When you turn on the news, it’s nothing but Trump: a damning new leak, a diplomatic incident or domestic policy failure, or an impulse tweet that gets Trump into even more hot water. But while ev…
Science minister Kirsty Duncan leaves time machine just in time to stop Kirsty Duncan from killing John A. Macdonald
OTTAWA – Minister of Science Kirsty Duncan has burst out of a time machine on June 24, 1867, just in time to prevent a younger version of herself from murdering Father of Confederation John A. Ma…
Radicalized bacterium joins antibiotic resistance
The gut of Rachel McGrath, ON – Weakened but not destroyed by a ruthless class of broad-spectrum agents, an E. Coli bacterium who inhabits Oakville resident Rachel McGrath’s gastrointestinal trac…
Report: It not supposed to make that sound
THE GARAGE – A report commissioned after everyone listened to it and wondered if maybe it’s supposed to make that sound has concluded that “no, it is not.” “It is designed to operate …