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Local man learns just enough Spanish to be murdered in Mexico City

VAUGHAN – Local bartender Henry McCullough has acquired just enough grammar and vocabulary in preparation for his trip to to be killed in its capital city.

“Duolingo has been really helpful with teaching me the basics, you know, hola, cómo está, things like that,” said McCullough, who will come within an inch of being shot when he tries to ask a cartel member for directions to the nearest convenience store, but insults his sister instead.

“And I’ll keep on doing lessons during the trip!”

While McCullough admits he’s far from fluent, sources close to him report that he has honed his Spanish enough in the weeks preceding his to hold friendly conversations with strangers, one of which will lead to a misunderstanding that he will not survive.

“It’s nice to be able to travel confidently and independently,” said McCullough, whose belief that the word ‘embarazada’ means embarrassed rather than pregnant will get his nose broken as he tries to make small talk at a bar.

McCullough says that he eventually plans to learn Spanish more thoroughly, although his current knowledge is more than what he needs to cry for ‘ayudar’ as he lies bleeding on the street in the Santa Fe district.

By press time, Henry’s friend Michael had learned just enough French to strike out with every single woman in Paris.

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book