QUEEN’S PARK – As thick smoke blankets Ontario skies, Premier Doug Ford has declared that he will divert public funds to as many private spa facilities as it takes to douse the raging wildfires.
“Folks, this smoke situation is so bad that I nearly cut short my 21-week long summer vacation,” said Ford via Zoom from his family’s Muskoka cottage. “Fortunately, I have called the nerds who run my office and instructed them to stop at nothing to build new spas, saunas, plunge pools, and outdoor baths, in hopes that they will combat the fires. You’re welcome.”
Ford then added that he had he had ordered further cuts to the Ontario firefighting allocations, which had already firefighting budget by $42 million and emergency preparedness cut by $4 million, all of which will be funnelled to the first European spa company that brings an unmarked manilla envelope to one of his daughters’ weddings.
“Folks, spas are mostly water, and that’s gotta be useful for stopping forest fires. That’s just science,” Ford added, before hopping on his jet ski. “See ya in October, dorks!”
At press time, has anybody heard from Timmins lately?
