AUSTIN, TX – Radio show host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is once again reaching out to his listener base for help with a new GoFundMe campaign to make his face even more ruddy-looking.
“So the radical left has clearly found a way to deflate my head, in hopes of making me appear to be more of a Beta,” Jones claimed on a recording of his podcast. “But with your help, I can afford to go to Russia to get that experimental surgery that will make me look even more like a giant baby mid-trantrum.”
According to the campaign’s main page, Jones can’t afford the procedure to enhance his facial puffiness due to declaring bankruptcy in 2022 after being ordered to pay $85 million in a defamation case. In recent episodes of Infowars, Jones has been praising the enlarged heads of those he considers America’s greatest thinkers, such as Donald Trump, Charlie Kirk, and Steve Bannon.
The GoFundMe page, which features multiple headshots of Jones over time to show volume loss, has many donations of $1-5, and an opening paragraph that reads as such.
“Due to radical leftists sneaking estrogen into the drinking water, my once proud jowls have been diminished. No doubt this is part of the greater conspiracy to crush my credibility by making me look like a healthier adult man,” Jones asserted, over the buzz of the bees he had released in the studio in hopes of getting stung and having a bad reaction. “But with the help of you, my loyal Info-warriors who are no doubt looking for anyone else to blame for their lives being shit, I can go back to looking like I’m coming off an 8-week bender where I ate nothing but ribs.”
While some donations have started to trickle in, many among Jones’s fan base are questioning whether the crowdfunding initiative is really necessary. Tony Gilles, a longtime Infowars listener, suggests the problem with Jones’s less-swollen head might be due to the lack of paranoid theories inside it.
“If you watch the video versions of the broadcast, you know that Alex is never more intimidating than when he’s filled with rage about how all the world’s major religions are in cahoots to make SNL less funny,” Gilles notes. “If he gets back to the important things like telling us how everyone on the Titanic was a crisis actor, his skin will for sure go back to its’ usual red glow.”
“Or he could just try getting sunburned, if the sun wasn’t being weaponized by France and would be used to kill him!”
Jones is reportedly exploring a few other options to get back to his ideal body type of Colonel Kurtz’s head on Violet Beauregard’s body, including smashing his head against the wall, looking into the side effects of cheap Botox, and going back on the weight loss supplement he endorsed that only made his skin red.
In other news, Elon Musk is preparing for his regular procedure that keeps the humanity out of his gaze.
