WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump is furious at Canadian wildfires blowing smoke everywhere but up his ass.
“This is absolutely unacceptable behaviour from the Canadian environment,” Trump said as he lit his own country’s climate change plans ablaze. “For years, the United States has enjoyed a cordial relationship with the country I refer to as ‘our 51st state’. To blow smoke anywhere, other than my own butt is a yuge act of treason.”
“Isn’t that right, JD?” the president added, before berating his own Vice President for failing to flatter him with sufficient speed.
In response to the perceived Northern affront, President Trump has publicly threatened to increase tariffs on Canadian imports such as politeness, honesty, and basic human decency (only available in select regions).
Trump went on to echo Michigan Republicans’ grievances with the wildfires. “After all, the upstanding members of the Republican party know where smoke belongs,” Trump said with certainty, “And that’s up my own extremely kissable rear end.”
“And now thanks to the nasty wom— I mean, wildfire, Michigan, a state I can definitely point to on a map without trouble, is on fire. Their air? On fire? Their children’s future? On fire. Their asses after eating lettuce? All on fire.”
At press time, Trump was so incensed at the Canadian wildfires that he could barely bring himself to bomb another Iranian school.
