TORONTO – Fans of the smash hit romance show Heated Rivalry, many of whom have also become fans of hockey, are expressing confusion at the discovery that the overwhelming majority of real life hockey players are problematic boorish creeps.
While viewing a widely-shared video of the U.S. Men’s hockey team on a phone call with President Donald Trump, who is making a crass joke at the expense of the U.S. Women’s hockey team, Heated Rivalry fan Jasmine Burkckett, 32, was perplexed.
“Why are they all laughing at jokes told by a serial sexual assaulter who’s all over the Epstein files,” questioned Burkckett as she updated her Tumblr page featuring gifs of Heated Rivalry lead characters Shane and Ilya. “I’m pretty sure most real-life hockey players spend their time in the locker room yearning for each other, and occasionally cuddling.”
“This must be a problem with Olympic hockey,” Burkckett rationalized. “I’ll bet NHL players all share my sexual politics, and especially views on social justice.”
Confronted with the revelation that most professional hockey athletes are coddled neanderthals who view women as objects, Burckett’s friend and Heated Rivalry “watch buddy” Tryler Fennel, 29, shared her bewilderment.
“All of the hockey media I’ve watched – 6 episodes of Heated Rivalry and a couple seasons of Shoresy – has taught me that hockey players are fun-loving articulate twunks who reliably stand up for the rights of the LGBTQAI+ community,” noted Fennel. “Next you’re going to tell me that this is a problem in the minor leagues as well, and Hockey Canada has been covering up sexual assault cases for decades.”
“I’d still fool around with Jack and/or Quinn Hughes, if they were into it,” Fennel adds, firing up his 6th rewatch of Heated Rivalry, as Burkckett wearily agreed.
In a related story, the NHL is investing in a series of shock collars that will go off any time a player even thinks of talking about how they vote.
