BRANDON, MB – A new pregnancy-monitoring app, 9months, has gained popularity thanks to its carefully-analyzed gestational data which is shared with expectant mothers and completely withheld from their doltish male partners.
“Our goal at 9months is to provide moms-to-be all the information they need to feel safe and secure during their pregnancies, while keeping the fathers completely in the dark for their own safety,” explains Dr. Moira Gershen, inventor of the app.
“Internal studies have shown that expectant fathers can handle about 3% of the information which we regularly provide to pregnant women,” notes Gershen. “That’s why the mothers’ app relates regular charts, updates, and notifications, while the dads’ app is largely relegated to colourful shapes.”
Though the 9months apps for the mother and father are paired throughout the pregnancy, complex information like infant size and gestation calendars are only delivered to the mother, whereas the father receives vaguely helpful encouragement from Tyler the Fertility Turtle.
“We find that expectant dads can mostly handle news at the rate delivered by Tyler,” Gershen notes, gesturing to a cartoon of a smiling turtle wearing sunglasses. “Sometimes we have to dumb it down to a blue triangle, but that’s only in extreme cases of paternal ineptitude.”
Gershen notes that early prototypes of 9months originally included similar data for both parents, though this quickly proved to be a mistake. “Some beta testing couples reported fathers becoming paralyzed with information about what was actually happening inside their partners’ reproductive systems. A few dads attempted to deliver the babies themselves, convinced they ‘knew as much as the doctors’. One man simply fled off into northern Manitoba, never to be seen again.”
“That’s why a simple ‘Cowabunga, buddy!’ from Tyler seems to work best,” adds Gershen.
In the coming year, 9months will unveil a new father-focused podcast where UFC fighters and washed-out comedians assure fathers that changing diapers is “based”.
