TORONTO – A local raccoon that has been standing perfectly still on top of a garbage can next to a house in Toronto’s Beach neighbourhood for 3 hours now, is starting to get worried he won’t be able to make someone absolutely piss themselves to death.
“Usually I only need to post up here for a few minutes before someone wanders a little too close, the sensor lights come on, they see me and go ‘Shit! What the fuck!’ while falling backwards onto their ass,” said the raccoon, whose friends call him Robert. “And then I can get on with my night.”
“But, I’ve been here doing my normal thing: not moving, staring directly at the spot they will be when they see me, ready to break out my best hiss at the drop of a hat, and nada. I’m starting to think my streak is about to end,” he added.
Raccoons have long terrorized Canadians with their mere presence at night, despite their lack of size, their regular presence in our lives and the fact that their faces have a built in mask that makes them look like adorable bank robbers from the 1920s.
“The worst part is that every time I get startled by a raccoon my flight instinct kicks in so I run away a few steps,” said local man Kyle Blanchin. “But then I remember it’s just a stupid raccoon so I start to go back. But THEN I remember that I have no idea how to fight a raccoon and don’t want to learn by doing, so I have to run away again.”
Asked why he feels the need to engage in this ‘make people jump out of their god damn boots in fear’ stationary behaviour, Robert hesitated.
“I don’t know. Maybe the thrill of it makes the garbage I’m about to eat better. Maybe it’s a small act of protest against humanity’s destruction of our natural habitats. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s so fucking funny watching you all lose your shit because a creature that is objectively cuter than most dogs is standing within 10 feet of you.”
At press time, a couple on their way home from a date and about to have sex unless something ruins the mood was about to walk past, which meant it was the raccoon’s time to shine.
