WHISTLER – 36-year-old animal rights whistleblower Leonard Bont was found dead after his handy “shut the fuck up and listen” whistle attracted many bears. Medics arrived on the scene too la…
Tag: Animals
“Humans are the real problem,” posts man who is the real problem
WINDSOR – Bartender Steve Atkins posted a picture of swans swimming in the Venice canals on Facebook yesterday with the caption, “The animals of the world are returning. Humans are the real…
Study finds 1 million species face extinction but raccoon that took over your balcony is going to be fine
TORONTO – A devastating study has revealed that humans are to blame for the one million species at risk of extinction in the next few years, while you are personally to blame for the thirty…
Zoo trades away most popular animals; working towards ‘competitive window’ in 2024
TORONTO – After suffering for years in comparison to other world-class zoos like the San Diego Zoo and Bronx Zoo, the Toronto Zoo has decided to intentionally send its best animals to other…
75% of dogs’ nighttime anxiety caused by humans having sex in front of them
VANCOUVER – A new study from the University of British Columbia has officially proven that – similar to humans – dogs feel acute anxiety at nighttime, and that this anxiety is d…
Desperate zoo hopes use of Jurassic Park font will spice things up
KINDERSLEY, SK – After years of failing to connect with the zoo-going public, the struggling Kindersley Zoo has made a last ditch attempt to combat lagging attendance and poor online review…
Proud furry activist reminds everyone that humans are technically also animals
GRANBY, QC – In an effort to find a common ground with the general public, a local furry has started a campaign to remind others that humans are technically also animals. Furries, a term co…
Wedding planner suggests barn
KINGSTON – The longstanding puzzle of where to hold the upcoming wedding of a Kingston couple was valiantly solved by local wedding planner, Suzanne Albright, who bravely saved the day by suggest…
Trump Admin explains 1,475 missing migrant children “not so bad if you think of them as ‘animals'”
WASHINGTON D.C. — Amidst reports that Health and Human Services has lost track of nearly 1,500 unaccompanied migrant minors, White House officials have insisted the number is less horrifyin…
Local man unknowingly driving spirit animal extinct
VANCOUVER, BC- Sources confirm local man Greg Lommens continues to contribute to the endangerment of his spirit animal, the loggerhead turtle. “I was stoked when that quiz from Buzzfeed told me m…