Kingston, ON – A senior researcher at Queen’s University claimed this week that otters don’t exist and are actually just wet dogs. “It all came to me at the cottage,” said zoologist D…
Tag: Animals
Local vet boops a third of your savings account after routine check-up
NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health. The vet was heckin’ thrilled to …
Animal Cruelty Whistleblower dead after whistle attracts many bears
WHISTLER – 36-year-old animal rights whistleblower Leonard Bont was found dead after his handy “shut the fuck up and listen” whistle attracted many bears. Medics arrived on the scene too la…
“Humans are the real problem,” posts man who is the real problem
WINDSOR – Bartender Steve Atkins posted a picture of swans swimming in the Venice canals on Facebook yesterday with the caption, “The animals of the world are returning. Humans are the real…
Study finds 1 million species face extinction but raccoon that took over your balcony is going to be fine
TORONTO – A devastating study has revealed that humans are to blame for the one million species at risk of extinction in the next few years, while you are personally to blame for the thirty…
Zoo trades away most popular animals; working towards ‘competitive window’ in 2024
TORONTO – After suffering for years in comparison to other world-class zoos like the San Diego Zoo and Bronx Zoo, the Toronto Zoo has decided to intentionally send its best animals to other…
75% of dogs’ nighttime anxiety caused by humans having sex in front of them
VANCOUVER – A new study from the University of British Columbia has officially proven that – similar to humans – dogs feel acute anxiety at nighttime, and that this anxiety is d…
Desperate zoo hopes use of Jurassic Park font will spice things up
KINDERSLEY, SK – After years of failing to connect with the zoo-going public, the struggling Kindersley Zoo has made a last ditch attempt to combat lagging attendance and poor online review…
Proud furry activist reminds everyone that humans are technically also animals
GRANBY, QC – In an effort to find a common ground with the general public, a local furry has started a campaign to remind others that humans are technically also animals. Furries, a term co…