AUSTIN, TX – Following comments on Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, where multi-millionaire podcaster Joe Rogan blamed Ukrainian defence for “causing World War III”, the podcast phenom clarified that he was not echoing Kremlin propaganda, but is in fact truly this fucking braindead.
“I know it might seem suspicious, how I consistently and unquestioningly regurgitate Russian and authoritarian talking points to my millions of listeners,” explained the former host of a game show where contestants ate bull testicles for money. “When I say things like ‘Ukraine and Biden are entirely to blame for antagonizing Russia’ it’s not because I’m echoing Putin’s disingenuous justifications for invading a sovereign nation, it’s because I’m a true cretin who doesn’t know shit about shit.”
Asked to elaborate on his pinheaded methods, Rogan continued: “I’m not getting my information from any nefarious conspiracy. I get my info where all truly moronic online conspiracy chuds get theirs – TikTok videos, half-read wikipedia entires, and my own truly ignorant punch-drunk brain.”
Rogan continued to outline ways that his recent actions were not in fact an organized effort to shift his fanbase’s politics rightward, but instead a byproduct of his staggering naiveté and utter lack of critical thinking skills. This includes offering softball interviews to exclusively Republican candidates, consistently pushing vaccine skepticism, and listening to Jordan Peterson without once laughing in his face.
“Nope, no sinister agenda, that’s all just pure authentic simpleminded me,” Rogan continued in the middle of a rambling 3 hour interview with a discredited climatologist who claims super intelligent alien chimps built the pyramids.
“Honestly, I wish this was all part of a brilliant long con to profit off the dumbing down of a generation of economically disadvantaged MMA fans. How impressive would that be?” Rogan added. “But no, I’m too stupid to even understand the sentences I just said, and it turns out America just loves rewarding the dumbest, most aggrieved mediocre white men it can find. It’s entirely possible, baby!”
The 8th lead from Newsradio elaborated on how his own doltish limitations have fuelled his improbable career. “It was really lucky that UFC and conspiracy mongering became so popular, since it distracted fans from the fact that I’m far too idiotic to be a funny standup.”
Asked whether his famously uncritical credulity inherently benefits bad faith actors looking to use his platform to spread misinformation, Rogan answered “I don’t know what any of those words mean.” Still, looking forward, he assured his listeners that he’s far too much of an imbecile to look forward.
“Naw, I’m just gonna keep making this bullshit up as I go,” Rogan insisted. “It turns out there’s a bottomless market for encouraging mediocre men to hide their own intellectual insecurities and lack of curiosity behind claims that they’re ‘just asking questions’. I’ve been just asking questions for years and haven’t found a single goddamned answer, but it didn’t stop Spotify from making me rich.”
Rogan elaborated, “All today’s men really want is a daily reassurance that they never have to change or grow – that their own reflexive ignorance is worth just as much as any expert’s so-called facts. Luckily, that job description fits perfectly into the wheelhouse a truly mindless block-headed simpleton like myself.”
“Also, dragons were definitely real,” Rogan concluded, before reading ads for 5 different brands of supplements.
At press time, Joe Rogan has accepted a nomination as Secretary of the Interior for the incoming Trump Administration.
