MONTREAL – After extensively researching and logging the online activity and social media history of your new girlfriend Melanie, scientists at the University of McGill have concluded that there is a 100% chance that she is already enthusiastically planning ways to use your new relationship as content for her personal TikTok account.
“We see this a lot,” sighed lead researcher Amelia Levesque, watching a video Melanie just posted of her texting you an inappropriately sexy pic in front of your parents at brunch in order to film your reaction.
“And I’m afraid that there’s really no way to stop her from meticulously exploiting every single thing you two do together for potential jokes, gags, and the occasional really upsetting emotional prank.”
“There’s nothing you can do except prepare yourself to never have a single moment of privacy again while you’re with her,” Levesque explained. “If I can give you one piece of advice, it’s to check every single crevice in every single room you enter in case there’s a phone hiding in there. Good luck, and I’m so sorry.”
The detailed report states that Melanie is most excited about making extremely big deals out of your minor culture differences, asking you suspiciously perplexing questions like “Would you love me if I were a worm?” and forcing you to learn dance moves invented by couples far more flexible and athletic than you.
Alex Morin, a junior data analyst assigned to the report, stated that they immediately recognized the signs of a classic TikTok content creator because they had dated one just last year.
“It was horrible,” they said, visibly shaken by memories of the time their partner pretended to propose on a hike just to see how they would respond. “You never know what’s coming. One minute you think you’re having a nice time cooking dinner together, and the next you’re looking at a TikTok they’ve made about how you didn’t ‘cook the pasta Italian enough,’ whatever the hell that means.”
“For the love of god, get out while you still can,” Morin pleaded. “Before you both agree to have a baby if you get enough followers!”
At press time, Melanie had just pointed her phone at you and asked if you’d be mad if she just accidentally killed your dog.
