HALIFAX – Following a trying summer of forest fires and floods, Halifax once again scrambles to ready themselves for its next force majeure: the annual deluge of wealthy Ontarians to Dalhousie University.
CTV Atlantic Meteorologist Allison Durling was the first to raise the alarm, noting, “As you can see on the radar, we have what we call a ‘low-melanin’ system hovering in and around the likes of Rosedale, The Beaches, and Forest Hill, but, as the calendar turns to September, we see it transition into what we call the ‘Holt-Renfrew Zone’, and begins to make its way east”.
Durling added, “It’s at that point that we know to put the message out to get ready for the city to be flooded by a bunch of spoiled brats brazenly flouting all sense of law and decorum, with zero consequences”.
Speaking from the city’s Affluenza Command Centre, Mayor Mike Savage implored residents to exercise extreme caution. “We haven’t taken this seriously enough in the past,” he began. “During COVID we thought we could stem the tide with lockdowns and vaccine restrictions, but it wasn’t long before we learned just how ineffective those are against the ferocity of Mother Privilege; and now? Well, you know what Doug Ford plans to do to the Greenbelt. Picture that, but with the kinetic energy of the children of the developers who profited from it”.
Filling up gasoline canisters and storm chips at the local Irving station, longtime resident Thomas Reinhardt described the ominous tone that often precedes the so-called “Torrent of the Trust Funds”.
“First warning sign is you notice an increase of windows featuring Toronto Maple Leafs flags,” Reinhardt explains. “Maybe you spot a discarded puka-shell necklace here or there. The next thing you know, there’s a raging bonfire in the middle of a residential road, while the sidewalks are running thick with a festering slurry of vomit and jagermeister”.
“I can also predict the storm from the pain in my joints, which is caused by my bones rattling to the driving beats of EDM,” Reinhardt added.
Halifax Regional Police spokesperson Jeff MacIsaac attempted to assure weary Haligonians. “We’ve already begun laying down sandbags to direct the flow of students to Aritzia, but I would ask the public to show a little understanding. Our squad simply isn’t equipped to deal with powerful gusts of tequila-breath from a sophomore screaming ‘Do you know who my father is?’”.
Not everyone in the city sees the “Entrance of the Entitled” as a nuisance, however. Hammering wooden slats over her business’s entrance, local hairdresser Robyn Michaels pointed out that it can often be of great convenience to residents. “It’s pretty destructive in fall but, come winter, we save a tonne on snow removal because, at the sight of white powder, they instinctively roll up 20s and snort the street clean.”
“We just have to hold strong until December break, and then it’s Ibiza’s problem.”
As Halifax remains on edge, Dalhousie University President Kim Brooks assured the public that her administration takes the actions of “just a few thousand bad apples” very seriously. She also promised the school will respond to offenders with stern finger-wags and official letters detailing how the institution is “very disappointed in them”.
Still, Brooks noted that, without Ontarians’ inheritance-fueled tuition money, the school may never be able to finish construction on its forthcoming Scrooge McDuck-style money-pool.