ORILLIA, ON ― Kyle Gardner, the father of four young children whose only hope for becoming decent humans is the public education system, is demanding the right to bypass the public education system.
“Why is someone else getting to decide what they learn?” demanded the poster boy for exactly that, as he blew smoke in the faces of a childless gay couple whose tax dollars were funding his children’s education.
This will soon be relevant for his eldest, Jeremy, a third-grader and direct consequence of the “can’t get pregnant the first time you do it” myth. Gardner did admit that, solely because of her ovaries, his wife may be better equipped to teach their three daughters, Sasha (can’t get pregnant standing up), Cassidy (can’t get pregnant if you pull out quickly), and Lila (can’t get pregnant if you no longer love each other and are just making one last effort before lapsing into a cold, sexless marriage).
Asked what and when he would teach Jeremy, he explained, “I’ve got tons of tricks up my sleeves for how to win over a stubborn woman, which I’ll pass on when he’s good and ready: On his eighteenth birthday, no sooner, no later. That’s when my dad taught me, and I turned out fine ― a fine, straight, white, alpha male.”
Interviews with his childhood best friend and several high school teachers confirm that Jeremy was conceived when Gardner and his wife were both sixteen.
It remains unclear how the act of having unprotected sex, with or without the intention of getting pregnant, qualifies a person to determine the school curriculum better than a master’s degree in education. However, thousands of parents with degrees in entirely unrelated fields, or in no field at all, have joined with Gardner to assert that one drunken night with a coworker can be equivalent to four years at teachers’ college.
At press time, the kid who sat next to Jeremy at school was already teaching him sex-ed of a far higher quality than he would ever receive from any adult.