TORONTO – After a recent rash of stabbings on public transit, TTC officials and Mayor John Tory announced today there would be an increased security presence on all vehicles to prevent any more knife-wielding maniacs from attacking other passengers without having first paid their fare.
“I know our loyal riders are scared. I am here today to promise that no one on any official TTC vehicle will stab you if they haven’t already tapped their Presto card on the little thingy,” said TTC CEO Rick Leary at today’s press conference.
Police Chief Myron Demkiw joined the press conference to announce that in addition to the TTC’s extra Fare Inspectors and Special Constables in Charge of Inspecting Care, the Toronto Police would be adding up to 80 officers per day to streetcars and buses. These officers would be on duty solely to assist TTC staff in stopping these violent and shocking fare-evaders who later went on to stab people.
“It’s important that we add this extra police presence, as some Fare Inspectors may be hesitant to approach a knife-wielding predator alone,” Demkiw explained. “Fortunately, the stabber’s focus usually is on their victim, but you can never be too careful.”
Already, TPS is reporting the extra law enforcement officers have made a significant difference; after an altercation on the subway this evening, several officers were on the scene within minutes to apprehend the violent perpetrator, scan his Presto card for recent use, and lightly chastise him for overstaying his 2-hour transfer window.
When asked about the root cause of the rash of stabbings, Mayor Tory mused, “the sinful thrill of stealing $3.25 from a public service would give criminals an instant bloodlust that must be sated. Occam’s razor – it’d be foolish of me to look any further than that.”
After the crowd of journalists and knifephobics forced Leary to speak specifically to stabbing prevention, he gave a sneak peek of the TTC’s costly new Crime Reduction Analysis Program (CRAP), featuring electric Presto cards that painfully shock anyone trying to pay a friend’s fare, Robo-Fare Inspectors that feel neither sympathy nor pain, and increased passenger capacity streetcars that use zero-gravity to make better use of the car’s vertical space.
In a related story, Premier Doug Ford has publicly congratulated Mayor Tory for successfully lowering the Covid risk to the number two reason folks are scared to ride the TTC.