WINNIPEG – A recent meeting of Canada’s Premiers has seen the provincial leaders urgently request that Prime Minister Trudeau provide increased healthcare funding, to be spent on none of your fucking business, that’s what.
Following the closed-door meeting, the provincial and territorial leaders issued their call for a sit-down with Trudeau where he could hand them all of the healthcare funding they could carry, “ideally in unmarked, untraceable bills.” They then referred all Federal calls for more oversight on healthcare spending to Ministers “Blow” and “Yourself”.
“We, the premiers of Canada, demand that Ottawa contribute 35% of our health-care costs across the country, up from the current 22%,” explained Manitoba Premier Heather Stefanson. “As to what we will do with the funding once we have it, maybe you should stop being so goddamn nosey if you know what’s good for you.”
Amidst calls for the money to be delivered in large sacks with dollar signs prominently featured on the front, the assembled premiers assured Canadians that this is the best course of action, and the only one they will accept.
“Look,” Premier Doug Ford added, “just because Ontario spends less per capita on healthcare than any other province, and just because I personally withheld $900 million in federal healthcare funds at a time when emergency rooms are turning away patients, and just because I personally promised my wealthy donors that I would bankrupt Ontario’s provincial healthcare system so they could privatize it, doesn’t mean Trudeau should get any say in how this new money is administered.”
While the Canadian premiers have agreed that any money sent to them will have “healthcare funding” written on the cheque, they have refused to rule out that this money can be spent on the following: highways, tax breaks, advertising about how Ottawa is not paying for healthcare, paying down debt their governments have accrued, not healthcare, stimulus cheques to their constituents right before an election, candy, and shut your stupid fucking mouth and stop asking so many questions.
With many of Canada’s provinces currently projecting budget surpluses, calls for oversight on the increased healthcare spending have led some of the premiers to respond “What are you, the fucking healthcare funding hall monitor? Shut up!”
“Don’t make all of us Premiers do another Sovereignty Act on you! We’ll do one so fast!” added Alberta Premier Danielle Smith, as the other Premiers shuffled quietly away from her.
With Canadian emergency rooms facing staff shortages and overwhelmed by COVID-19, influenza, and respiratory infection cases, Trudeau says he is willing to increase healthcare funding without any need for the premiers to “turn me upside down and shake me until giant Scrooge McDuck piles of cash fall out.”