“I am thrilled to have the opportunity to serve the people of Toronto,” said Tory at a press conference next to an overflowing garbage can. “Though of course I promise it will not interfere with my main responsibility of furthering the interests of the Rogers corporation.”
“I look forward to spending the next 4 years tirelessly working for the people of this city 2 hours a night and half-days on the weekend.”
Tory is one of many Torontonians who feels the need to supplement his salary with a second job. But after getting fired as an Uber Eats driver for being absurdly slow with deliveries, he chose to lead a city of millions of people.
“Some people think I should be able to live comfortably off my $100,000.00 a year Rogers salary. But have you seen how expensive housing prices are in Toronto? Someone should really do something about that,” added Tory.
Some of his opponents in last night’s election have accused Tory of “doing literally nothing” to stop Toronto’s ongoing decay and even suggested that running the largest city in Canada should be a full-time job. But Tory disagrees.
“I always take an hour before real work to answer emails from city work. Then at lunch I make a few phone calls to make sure nothing is on fire. And in the evenings I check in with the team to make sure Condos are still being built. What else could I do?”
“Besides, if the work ever gets too much I just hire someone on Jiffy to sub in for the day.”