Palm Beach, FL – The FBI enforcing a search warrant on his Mar-A-Lago estate as a result of a DOJ investigation into his behaviour has made it abundantly clear that Donald Trump is not the billionaire he has claimed to be.
“The raid opens a Pandora’s Box of questions. What evidence does the FBI have on Trump? Will he be arrested? What does this mean for the 2024 election? When exactly will the Civil War start?” said former DOJ official Garret Hemsley. “But one question it has put to bed forever is whether Donald Trump is actually as rich as he led us to believe.”
“If Trump was an actual billionaire, the FBI would have told him they were coming a week in advance so he could shred all the papers and buy a home in a country without extradition.”
Trump has long been suspected of exaggerating his wealth to enhance his image, but given his many companies and creative accounting, it was difficult to prove. However, the fact that the government may actually apply the Rule of Law to his financial dealings instead of simply turning a blind eye and praising him as a “job creator” is the final nail in the coffin of his image as a billionaire.
“The raid proves he’s not a billionaire. If he’s arrested it means he’s not even a hundred millionaire. But if he’s convicted? Wow. That would mean he’s worth like 20 million max,” said Hemsley.
The FBI advised that it would not comment on an ongoing investigation, but one agent who wished to remain anonymous advised that “I saw his cheque book on his desk. Let’s just say we made the right call.”
Trump meanwhile decried the government’s actions as “illegal” and “clearly not accurately taking into account the government savings bond my parents bought for me when I was born!”