OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has announced that, despite the growing pro-life movement in the United States government, Canadians can rest easy knowing that they won’t know the party’s deliberately unclear stance on the topic.
“It’s my job to stand up for the rights and values of the Canadian people, the majority of whom are pro-choice,” said Kirk James, a Conservative MP, “but, because I don’t want to do that, I figure the best course of action is to just keep my gosh darn mouth shut!”.
Off the heels of the leaked Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, interim Conservative leader Candice Bergen asked caucus members not to comment on the topic, or, as James put it, “basically the closest I’ve ever come to ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’.”
The party also published tactics that MPs could use to avoid commenting on abortion, including walking away from the conversation to answer a fake call, sticking their fingers in their ears while screaming “blah blah blah”, and promising super hard not to ban abortion even though that’s exactly what the Supreme Court did before deciding to ban abortion.
“Despite the ambiguity, I do feel like my party supports my pro-life stance,” said Conservative voter Bill Weathers, who feels that way because his party has spent years quietly pandering to him by electing grassroots pro-lifers and voting in favour of sex-selective abortion bans.
“Even though the support comes in quiet winks and nudges, it makes me feel good to be respected as an individual. Crazy how that’s a thing that’s important!”.
Across the nation, people with uteruses reacted with anger to the party’s deliberate use of plausible deniability, a tactic used to spread dangerous views both by the alt-right and cringey memelords alike.
“We spent years watching unspoken biases turn into outspoken, violent actions all because ambiguity allowed hatred to escalate past the point of no return”, said Cindy Taylor, a woman who can’t believe she’s still having to explain this very basic shit in 2022.
“After years of being gaslit by the powers that be, it would be awesome if, for once, someone could dismantle my basic human rights to my face.”
In other news, the Conservatives were shocked to learn that they are perceived as pro-gun, given that every action the party has taken to stifle gun control was “just a prank, bro”.